constantly evolving

Life is good. Really good. I can remember (and sometimes look back on) my old posts. That deep longing can been seen in my words and I can even remember how it felt just a little for brief moments. That desire I had to roll over and see his face sleeping or even better, smiling back at me. The days that felt endless as we waited for the call and all of the unknowns. Ahh, but those days are behind us and life is more realistic now. I eat, clean, fold laundry, pay bills, brush my teeth, fix my hair, dress, use the potty...with only one free hand! If carrying a twenty pound wriggling child around for 14 hours doesn't snap you back to reality...nothing will!!! I am the guilty party who led Ian to believe that my body is his personal taxi around the house so now we are attached at the hip!

I have to say that I think I am slowly evolving into something that resembles normal behavior now. I may be alone here but I wanted to try to share some of the things I went through emotionally when we first got home with our little sweetie. While we were in Ethiopia I was able to fully experience Ian and motherhood. I had him mostly all to myself. Cortney was there but even when he had him I still had "them" all to myself. Then the moment we stepped off of the plane in the US, I knew that I had to share him with lots of people who had waited and wanted him for a long time as well. I am ashamed to say it but I would actually get upset if anyone took him from me or took him and walked away from me. I was so afraid that he would like someone better than me or even as much as me. I read the books and I know all of the ways children attach and bond and I knew that involving others in Ian's life would not keep us from bonding. However, I still chased anyone who held him around and sulked until they gave him back. It was especially hard for me to watch my sister interact with Ian because she is so good at it . She has three great kids and she just seemed to ooze mommy charm. Then there was that first day when I had to leave him and go to work. I was sure that he wouldn't love me when I got back. All I could think was that I had brought him here to this strange place and I had left him motherless all day. I wanted to call and check on him a million more times during the day than I did but just hearing him talk in the background made me very sad. I missed him so much that I wanted to quit work. (Then I remembered that I will have to work forever to pay off my student loans!) Anyway, on to the evolving part that I declared in the beginning. It is getting easier to let others hold him now. He loves me, I know it! I am getting more confident that he is mine forever and this won't all be yanked away from me soon. Work is still very difficult but we make it one week at a time.

Ian has started doing something that resembles crawling. I am trying to get a video up of his "inch worming". I think crawling isn't too far off from the looks of things. He is chattering up a storm but still just "Na-na" and "Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da". You get the idea...lots of "da-da" and ZERO "Ma-ma"! He enjoys being read to now. Until the past few days he just wanted to attack the book and stick it in his mouth but he actually looks at the pages now! He loves the Wiggles! I turn them on and and we dance and sing along.